dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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