dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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