my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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