so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
