I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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