I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
