I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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