Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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