she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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