I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So many bounce houses so little time
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
