meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
