I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
