Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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