got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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