Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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