Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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