Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
