singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
