my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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