Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
