I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
