I looked at my own cervix.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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