I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
