Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
