What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
