booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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