My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
