When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
