My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
