New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
