remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
