Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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