haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I supernannyed him into submission
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
