I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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