My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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