matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Congratulations! We have a period
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