I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dignity is for republicans.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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