I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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