Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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