Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
