i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
