Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
