all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
PANTIES FOUND
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