textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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