No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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