i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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