The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
