that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
