if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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