i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
