I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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