He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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