but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
