Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
