I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
