Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
