I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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