i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
