Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
