What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
