Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
