My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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