I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
